A warning and a note from Brie: this post is hilarious and slightly NSFW. No dirty pictures in it (bummer!) but there are some dirty words (yay!). If you’re underage you probably should just skip it. The captions on the pictures are mine.
I’m just going straight to the point because I know you’re dying to get to the NSFW part of the post, so please let’s give a warm welcome to author KT Grant.
When Euphemisms for the Hero and Heroine’s Anatomy Goes Wrong
As an author of romance, the hardest part is writing unique and interesting love scenes. This entails mentioning specific parts of the female and male anatomy- the penis and the vagina. My two favorite nicknames for these loving parts are the hoo haa or vay jay-jay for the vagina and the “peen” for the penis. Part of me wishes I could use “hoo haa” or “peen” when writing about the hero or heroine’s nether regions, but unless I was writing a slapstick comedy and purposely used these ridiculous nicknames, it just wouldn’t fly.
If you’ve read romance before, you’ll notice that the word “penis” isn’t always mentioned, especially when it comes to love scenes. Usually these words are used to shake it up when describing the hero’s penis:
These words seem to be the norm when an author discusses the hero’s penis. Can you imagine if these euphemisms were used instead?
- One-Eyed Heat Seeking Moisture Missile
- Single Barreled Pump Action Yogurt Rifle
- Blue Veined Custard Chucker
- Clifford The Big Red Dong
|I'm sorry Clifford, she said dong, not dog |
(you should be grateful for that, though)
When describing the heroine’s vagina, these terms are used:
- Nether Folds
Personally, I hate the word “cunt”. I can’t even say it without flinching, although I do use it in my books, because using “nether folds” can get very old. But what if I used one of these instead?
- Hippo's Yawn
- The Eye Of Mordor
- Squish Mitten
Now if an author wrote this: “Tommy’s Clifford the Big Red Dong brushed up against Sarah’s Hippo’s Yawn”, you’d laugh yourself silly.
|Who sees that and thinks: Oh, that reminds me of a vagina!?|
Wait! Don't tell me, I don't want to know...
Sometimes a penis sounds better being called a cock and a vagina called a pussy or cunt because calling a penis a One-Eyed Heat Seeking Moisture Missile or a vagina a Volermoot (WTF is a Voldermoot?) makes me gag.
As for the hero’s testicles, aka the balls, using “Hairy Bubblegum” just doesn’t work either.
|See, now you have ruined bubblegum for me!|
Check out more OMGWTFBBQ euphemism at JMan’s Bedpan and pick your favorite nicknames.
What are your favorite euphemisms when describing the penis, vagina or the hairy bubblegums?
KT Grant is a self-proclaimed eccentric redhead who not only loves to read a wide variety of romances, but also loves writing it. Under her alter-ego, she is a well-known book reviewer and blogger who doesn't shy away from voicing her opinion. A proud native of New Jersey, KT is multi-published and known for writing "out of the box" romances. KT has been quoted in such publications as the Romance Writers of America's Romance Writers Report and Night Owl Reviews. She has also been mentioned in the Guardian.UK, Publisher's Weekly's Beyond the Book and at Bookseller.com. KT is a top ten best-selling PAN (Romance Writers of America Published Authors Network) author at Amazon, as well as being a multiple All Romance Ebooks best seller and a Night Owl Reviews Top Author Pick.
You can buy her latest book, Xavier’s Loving Arms, on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and directly from the publisher.
Other books in the series include:
Ms. Grant has been kind enough to offer one copy of Xavier’s Loving Arms (you can read my review here) to one lucky commenter. For a chance to win all you have to do is answer her question above about your favorite euphemisms, and if you don’t have a favorite one, let us know if there is one you hate. Remember to leave an email on the comment so I can contact the winner. Contest open internationally.
- Winner gets one e-copy of Xavier’s Loving Arms by KT Grant.
- Open internationally.
- Ends on Saturday, Jan 28, 2012.
- Comment must include email address.
- You must be at least 18 years old to participate.
- Winner will be chosen using random.org and announced here and via email, and will have 72 hours to respond.