January 23, 2012

When Euphemisms Attack: Giveaway & Guest Post by Author KT Grant

A warning and a note from Brie: this post is hilarious and slightly NSFW. No dirty pictures in it (bummer!) but there are some dirty words (yay!). If you’re underage you probably should just skip it. The captions on the pictures are mine.

I’m just going straight to the point because I know you’re dying to get to the NSFW part of the post, so please let’s give a warm welcome to author KT Grant.

When Euphemisms for the Hero and Heroine’s Anatomy Goes Wrong

As an author of romance, the hardest part is writing unique and interesting love scenes. This entails mentioning specific parts of the female and male anatomy- the penis and the vagina. My two favorite nicknames for these loving parts are the hoo haa or vay jay-jay for the vagina and the “peen” for the penis. Part of me wishes I could use “hoo haa” or “peen” when writing about the hero or heroine’s nether regions, but unless I was writing a slapstick comedy and purposely used these ridiculous nicknames, it just wouldn’t fly.

If you’ve read romance before, you’ll notice that the word “penis” isn’t always mentioned, especially when it comes to love scenes. Usually these words are used to shake it up when describing the hero’s penis:

  • Cock
  • Dick 
  • Prick
These words seem to be the norm when an author discusses the hero’s penis. Can you imagine if these euphemisms were used instead?

  • One-Eyed Heat Seeking Moisture Missile
  • Single Barreled Pump Action Yogurt Rifle
  • Blue Veined Custard Chucker
  • Mushroom-Cap-On-A-Bed-O'-Hair
  • Clifford The Big Red Dong
I'm sorry Clifford, she said dong, not dog
(you should be grateful for that, though)
When describing the heroine’s vagina, these terms are used:

  • Pussy
  • Cunt
  • Slit
  • Nether Folds
Personally, I hate the word “cunt”. I can’t even say it without flinching, although I do use it in my books, because using “nether folds” can get very old. But what if I used one of these instead?

  • Hippo's Yawn
  • The Eye Of Mordor
  • Voldermoot
  • Yippie-Bog
  • Squish Mitten
Now if an author wrote this: “Tommy’s Clifford the Big Red Dong brushed up against Sarah’s Hippo’s Yawn”, you’d laugh yourself silly.

Who sees that and thinks: Oh, that reminds me of a vagina!?
Wait! Don't tell me, I don't want to know...
Sometimes a penis sounds better being called a cock and a vagina called a pussy or cunt because calling a penis a One-Eyed Heat Seeking Moisture Missile or a vagina a Volermoot (WTF is a Voldermoot?) makes me gag.

As for the hero’s testicles, aka the balls, using “Hairy Bubblegum” just doesn’t work either.

See, now you have ruined bubblegum for me!

Check out more OMGWTFBBQ euphemism at JMan’s Bedpan and pick your favorite nicknames

What are your favorite euphemisms when describing the penis, vagina or the hairy bubblegums?

KT Grant is a self-proclaimed eccentric redhead who not only loves to read a wide variety of romances, but also loves writing it. Under her alter-ego, she is a well-known book reviewer and blogger who doesn't shy away from voicing her opinion. A proud native of New Jersey, KT is multi-published and known for writing "out of the box" romances. KT has been quoted in such publications as the Romance Writers of America's Romance Writers Report and Night Owl Reviews. She has also been mentioned in the Guardian.UK, Publisher's Weekly's Beyond the Book and at Bookseller.com. KT is a top ten best-selling PAN (Romance Writers of America Published Authors Network) author at Amazon, as well as being a multiple All Romance Ebooks best seller and a Night Owl Reviews Top Author Pick.

You can find Ms. Grant on her Website, her Blog (where she’s currently doing a special feature on lesbian fiction that’s quite interesting and enlightening), and on Twitter.

You can buy her latest book, Xavier’s Loving Arms, on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and directly from the publisher.

Other books in the series include:



Ms. Grant has been kind enough to offer one copy of Xavier’s Loving Arms (you can read my review here) to one lucky commenter. For a chance to win all you have to do is answer her question above about your favorite euphemisms, and if you don’t have a favorite one, let us know if there is one you hate. Remember to leave an email on the comment so I can contact the winner. Contest open internationally.


  • Winner gets one e-copy of Xavier’s Loving Arms by KT Grant.
  • Open internationally.
  • Ends on Saturday, Jan 28, 2012.
  • Comment must include email address.
  • You must be at least 18 years old to participate.
  • Winner will be chosen using random.org and announced here and via email, and will have 72 hours to respond.


  1. I’m gonna go first and say that since I’m into classics my fav euphemisms is Frank & Beans. Just love it and I think a hero may use it, not during sex obviously, that would be weird and creepy, but maybe during a conversation?

    When it comes to the lady parts I’m more straight-laced, don’t like any word, vagina and clit and “the place she needs it most” and “in” like put it “in” are it for me, hate pussy with a passion, cunt is just awful and when I see anything with the word “creamy” it just makes me laugh. Probably because I’m a girl and it’s always easier to refer to the others more than oneself, I don’t really know the reason, but I’m a bit of a puritan when it comes to this. Having said that, I kind of like The Eye of Mordor, although I hope I’m never on fire down there and I sure hope never have to use that as an all-seeing eye, yikes!

    Thanks Kate for visiting us and for giving us such a fun way to start the week! And for freaking me out with the idea of a Single Barreled Pump Action Yogurt Rifle.

  2. purple headed yogurt slinger and
    love cave.
    the end.

    1. I once read "her womanly cave", so you're close. :)

  3. Brie: I may not eat any yogurt for a while now. LOL.

    Liz: Love grotto perhaps?

  4. I thought it was especially funny to read these euphemisms on this classy, Martha Stewart-looking blog. I was grinning before; now I'm really giggling.

    1. And that, my friend, is why you should never judge a book by its cover…

      Thanks for the compliment, though. It was a compliment, right? With Martha Stewart you never know.

  5. I kinda Like Prick, and nether folds. Some how it makes me think of Highlands and who doesn't want to think about that! I love highlander and historical romances, I also love the paranormal ones. And if and when they are together I am in heaven! THanks for the giveaway! Amanda Medina lunardragonqueen@gmail.com

    1. I'm sure there must be a paranormal historical romance where the hero is a highlander and a vampire! That would be awesome!!

  6. I too cringe at the word cunt. Doesn't bother me to read it, but it does to write it.

    For guys: pecker.

    1. Pecker just makes me laugh, I prefer dick or cock...

    2. Pecker makes me think of Woody. :P

  7. I edit as well as write and I want to know...how many penises are actually purple? Because I see that a lot and while I wasn't a complete wild woman, when I was single I dated a lot and I've seen pictures...and honestly...purple would have sent me screaming into the night. In sci fi maybe?

    1. That's a good point, but I'm not sure if we want an answer, especially if it comes with pictures! O_o

    2. Now why do I have a picture of Barney running around in my head?

  8. WINKIES and PEEN!

    I might have to steal hairy bubblegums. OMG! :)

    1. Be my guest! They are all yours.

    2. Winkie! How could I forget the winks?

      Why am I not surprised you'd get a kick out of the hairy gumballs?

  9. I like it when an author gets creative and uses something less crass and harsh like shaft or steel (I've seen even more creative but can't think right now.)

    And for women something like silky folds, hot apex, undulating center (again, I've seen better but can't think right now.) Something besides the usual dick or cunt is cool.

    Thanks for the opportunity to win!


    1. Undulating center?! OMG Jade! What have you been reading? That's a new one. Now I'm thinking about Ruffles chips LOL.

    2. Hot apex I can live with. Shaft of steel is what Superman has in his tights. ;)

  10. I think the biggest problem is that the alternative penis words are much better than the vag words. I mean, cock, prick, etc are just fine and benign (I almost said "roll of the tongue" but I caught my pun just in time). But the words for vagina are just bad all around. I think we all agree cunt is just not ok. It has just a meanness about it that is probably only sexy in really extreme hard core things. And I am sorry, but pussy I just hate. Not offensive, but who wants to think about sex and cats together? It is just such a yucky sounding word. So we end up with those awful "moist folds".

  11. I have a new one for the peen! "One-eye bastard"


    1. I think you mean O.

      That sound you hear? Cyclopes all over the magical world cringing…

  12. I don't care for cunt, but do your like your favorite words for the the vagina.


    1. I'm not a fan of the "C word" as I call it. Hoo haa sounds kinder to me.

  13. Wenis, member, rod, shaft. Notice I did not attach purple to any one of those words? LOL I'm right there with Kate...if it's purple, there's something wrong unless the guy is wearing a device to postpone...er, okay, moving on.

    Vajayjay, core, wet heat. And any "creamy" adjective attached to a woman's who-who is nasty.

    I know Kate is laughing at me. She knows how much I hate bodily fluids of just about any kind. And since I edit, my authors know that if their manuscript squishes or slurps, it's gonna get the red pen. That's just yucky. *wink*

  14. I've generally found that it's not often necessary to specify a word for genitals at all. Anyone reading romance knows that Tab A fits into Slot B. And no, those aren't recommended euphemisms either!

    I prefer tasteful implications along the lines of "he was inside her" and then compliment that with emotion-based descriptions of how good it feels for both of them.

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